Counting Towards Something

I learned some very important things about myself recently. (As I am sure the anticipation is killing you, I won’t bore you with some long introduction and far-fetched allusions.)  I have learned (1) that everything I do has to matter in some way, and (2) that I like fantasy fiction.  The latter should not have been such an epiphone to me, especially considering how much I enjoy LOTR and Harry Potter, but it was.  It was my husband who suggested it.  We were riding in our car and I was listening for the umpteenth time to The Two Towers.  He kept asking questions and I, proud of my vast LOTR knowledge, answered in the longest and most complicated way possible (I wanted him to be impressed).  Then he said it: Amy, I really don’t understand your love for fantasy fiction.  “Fantasy fiction?  I don’t love fantasy fiction!  Only losers like fantasy fiction, you know, like trekkies.”  He looked at me knowingly.  Well apparently, I am a loser.  So, in my pain-staking quest to find and accomplish new projects, I am going to try reading some new books in this genre and see if indeed I am a loser.

Now to explain my next stop on the path to self-enlightenment.  You may think that the statement “Everything I do has to matter” is some way of expressing my need for meaning in my life.  Well, on a deeper level, that is true.  But let me give you some examples on a not-so-deep level.

  • Every time I read a book, I record all its information (author, pages, publisher, whether I took any notes or quotes from it, rating – my own personal, and very complicated system – and any comments I may have, etc.) on a spreadsheet.  Otherwise, it’s like I didn’t even read the book and I have to read it again in order for it to count.
  • When I watch TV, I often find myself wishing that everything I watch was included as part of the Niellson ratings.  I want what I watch to be counted and measured and reported, otherwise, watching TV is totally pointless.
  • I will not run without my Nike+iPod kit.  Otherwise, my run is not counted and it is as if I haven’t run at all.  Do I think about the health that is improved or the waistline that is shrunken due to a run that perhaps hadn’t been counted?  No.  I just won’t run unless it is recorded into my computer.
  • I have a list of projects that I want to complete and published it right here on this blog.  Apparently the feeling of accomplishment is not enough for me.  I also must have it recorded somewhere that I am working on it and have finished it. 
  • I also have a very detailed spreadsheet of anything that I want to spend my money on.  If I cannot cross it off that list, the purchase was pointless.

Had enough?

Unfortunately, a set-back with all these points is that I am also quite lazy.  Now if I could find a way to make laziness matter in some way, I’d be golden (perhaps a spreadsheet detailing hours of laziness and quality of that time as compared to other laziness times taken?). 

Once again, my sweet husband was the one who made me realize this (If I had known I’d learn so much about myself through marriage, I’m not sure if i would have gotten married in the first place. But that’s a topic for a whole different blog post.).  As I contemplated the amount of laziness accomplished this past weekend, I realized it just isn’t fulfilling.  I need more.  I guess I thought everyone felt like this (if I’m one way, then I just assume everyone else is as well).  Well, I was trying to explain this to Ryan when I realized he had no idea what I was talking about.  Eventually, however, he understood – or at least pretended to very well – and became much more sympathetic.  Once again, I find myself with a project – to find something to do to make my time matter.  It just has to, at least for me, because otherwise, life is pointless.

So, whether this is indulging my life-long dream of writing a LOTR encyclopedia or getting more involved in music or children ministries at church, the point is: I am on a quest to find something.  (I welcome any suggestions – can’t promise to do any/all of them.. lazy, remember?)  I’ll keep you updated.

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~ by Amy on September 14, 2006.

2 Responses to “Counting Towards Something”

  1. Subject: Meaning of Life, no, Life is worthless, no, Chocolate is the most important commodity available, no, Chocolate is the cause of all the worlds problems, no, the subject is “What Hath God Wrought”

    Yes, “What Hath God Wrought” is the subject of this email.

    Since I have not done Blogs for more than a year, I can’t remember how to respond. Your blog is the best thing I ever read on the computer, but I won’t remember it very long, so at least before I go to bible study, I should acknowledge it now, or I will forget everything. But it is not my fault. I only got as far as the Barker who couldn’t decide between the tree and the fire hydrant. During my life -time I usually chose the tree. (The reasons is a subject for another blog). I wouldn’t elaborate on this nasty subject, but it’s not my fault; you brought it up. It’s not my fault. You brought it up by including that nasty cartoon. And now you are reminding me of some of my major decisions. My most major decision was probably to decide on the tree. And now at 82 the decision takes so long, I tend to dribble to the tree. And I don’t mean like dribble like a basketball. (Your G’Ma says I’m strange because I seem to concentrate on bathroom jokes and other related subjects. But it’s not my fault, you brought it up.

    You mentioned “Decisions”. Here I sit trying to decide whether to continue this nonsense, or to get ready to go to bible study, and I’m inclined to continue this nonsense. I might even have to be late for bible study. Or worse, I might miss it. Now is life meaningless? If after 82 years, I’m scarcely able to make a decision like that, has a BA, MEd, and a PhD really been beneficial? Has marrying the most wonderful wife imaginable been helpful, if her first thought of me is “bathroom jokes”? If, after reading the best of computers (your blog), my depression has made me a prime candidate for the funny farm, is life really worthwhile? Please excuse me for 15 minutes, I have to go to the bathroom.

    I’m back, and as I think about bible study, I’m getting dead serious: LIFE IS ABUNDANTLY WORTHWHILE! I have never enjoyed life any more than right now. I couldn’t possible count my blessings -I only have an hour. But you and Ryan are right up there with the best of them. I am so happy! Thank God!

    “What Hath God Wrought”? …. You, Amy. What a blessing you have been in our lives.

    love, G’Pa

  2. […] Yes, I said it, and I’m not ashamed.  Those of you who know me already know of my love for fantasy fiction, including Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter.  And those of you who really, really know me, know […]

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